I KNOW!!

My computer was shut down for the night and I wandered into the kitchen for my almost nightly ritual of an apple and Nutella.  I justify the Nutella because it is merely a dip for a very healthy apple thus it is void of all calories and fat.  Kind of like when you dip carrots and celery into blue cheese dressing after your 13 year old finishes the wings that were on the plate.

Not that any of those things happened tonight or anything.

I had shut down my computer purposefully avoiding writing a blog post tonight.  I am just not in the mood.

I have a dear friend in Houston who lost her mother suddenly (whom I also adored) and the funeral is today and I should be there.  It's the sacrifice of being so incredibly far away.  It honestly makes me go stir crazy because I should be there.....not here, thousands and thousands of miles away.

I have also struggled today with several skeletons....demons....whatever you want to call them.  It makes me feel weak and that makes me crazy too.

Cue the padded room.

I did actually work out this afternoon with Garrett when he got home from school.  Score one for me!!

There was a small situation where he reacted in a way that makes me crazy so I didn't waste a moment in correcting him.  I started in with the familiar words of parental brilliance and he started mumbling his two favorite words:

I know, I know!

I quickly informed him that clearly he doesn't know because if he did, in fact, know, he wouldn't do the same thing over and over and over again.  He was irritated, I was frustrated.  

Then I fed him and the situation was quickly diffused.

Fast forward to 10 minutes ago when my computer was shut down, apple washed and ready to be cut and Nutella primed and ready on the counter.  I'm irritated and feeling defeated.  I hear a small voice in my spirit correcting me.....convicting me.

I know, I know!!!

And then I had to laugh.  

I could almost see God on His throne leaning over to Jesus saying, "Wait for it.....wait for it".

Yep.  Clearly I don't know because if I did, in fact, know, I wouldn't do the same thing over and over and over again.  

What Garrett and I were both missing today?

It's not the knowing that we've stepped out of line....made a bad choice.....caved into temptation once again.  It's the determination to change, that comes from the knowing, that alters everything.  

Every single thing.

What I'm needing tonight?  A healthy dose of determination.

And a time machine so I can be with my sweet friends today.

Is that too much to ask?