January 27, 2014

Four Letter Words

I initially started this blog post using a well placed four letter word to describe this last month.  I didn't even flinch when I used it because the word so perfectly described the last several weeks of our lives.  However, I happen to have two teenage boys who get a kick out of reading this blog and I have a strict no cussing rule in my house so I need to be a good example....blah, blah, blah.

It is with very mixed emotions that I share that June is going to be the end of our time living in Singapore.  We have known since November and while I understand the career related reasons for this, my heart is struggling a bit with the reality that we will be saying good-bye to this small island that we have called home for almost four years.  I can hardly write that without being reduced to a puddle of tears. We will be saying goodbye to people that we dearly love knowing the odds are against us being back anytime soon. 

In the midst of grappling with all that moving means for us, we had to say good-bye to Scot's dad who died suddenly from a heart attack.  I watched as my husband looked like a nine ton weight was dropped onto his shoulders as he raced home to be with his father.  We were separated half a world away as death rocked his small family to the core and I felt completely helpless.  

If I had to describe life right now, I would say that I feel a lot like Peter that day he found himself in a boat being tossed around by a storm.  I recognize my Savior and the miraculous power he has to walk on water.  I look for Him among the storm  and my desire to be near Him gets me out of the boat.  I can sense Him beckoning to me and cheering me on as I take those uncertain steps onto chaotic water.  I look into eyes that are full of love and the noise in my head quiets as it bows to His authority.  

I then start to notice the absolute insanity of emotion that is all around me and I lose focus.  What is Scot's mom going to do?  Where are we going to live?  How do I say good-bye?  How do I start all over again?  I start to sink as I grab at things to keep me afloat but they all slip through my fingers.  

Then the strong and mighty hands of my Savior lift me up again and He reminds me that I can do this.  All the trials that have come before have been training for this day.  He has proven His character to be true and trustworthy and my job is to keep my eyes on Him.  My job is to journey through all of this with grace.

I write this knowing that in months....or maybe years from now......I will be able to look back on this and see God's plan clearly at work in our lives.  

I write this because for some strange reason it makes me feel better and less inclined to use the four letter words that would get my boys in trouble.  

I write this hoping that someday VERY soon I can write something that is actually light hearted and funny.  

January 10, 2014

One Word

I gave up on New Year resolutions a long time ago.  I tend to beat myself up pretty badly over failure and I ALWAYS failed at the whole resolution thing.  I never even made it out of the month of January before failing miserably so I decided resolutions were not for me.  Unless my resolution was to be consistently inconsistent in which case I was overwhelmingly successful.

A few years back when the trend began to pick One Word to take into the New Year, I halfheartedly participated.  I think I picked Love as my first word knowing that chances were pretty good I was going to Love someone at some point for most of the year.  Therefore, I was officially a girl who totally rocked the One Word New Year challenge.  Put it on a necklace and call it success.  

I have enjoyed reading everyone's One Word in the last week or so.  It seems that people are now feeling challenged to pick the One Word that no one else is using.  Love, Hope, Faith, Patience....all great words - all have been used before.  How about Indefatigability?  Or Pertinacity?  Or Staunch?  That's a good one.  Staunch.  

"What is your word for 2014?"

"Staunch.  It so beautifully describes who I want to be this year.  Not to be confused with Paunch which is a whole other issue to be dealt with this year."

Needless to say, I don't have a word for 2014.  At least not one that is inspiring in any way.  Right now my word would be Uncertain or Apathetic or Irritated.

There is some big stuff going on in my little family right now.  Details will have to wait until a more appropriate time but suffice it to say, my world is being shaken up a bit and I am pouting.

I know that God is in control.  I know that His will is perfect.  He has proven over and over again that He knows best how to take care of us.  

I know all of that but at the same time I have been struggling these last couple of months with feeling very spiritually dried up.  Almost like I'm in a stand off with God.  One of us is going to have to cave, admit some hard stuff and submit.  Chances are pretty good that it's going to be me.  

The kicker is that I don't have the luxury of pulling up a chair to a pity party for one.  I have a husband that needs my love and support and I have children who watch how we handle every little thing.  I have a leadership role at church that requires me to be very plugged in to God's will and loads of people that I need to do a good job of loving.  All of those things hinge on me being spiritually healthy.

How do I sum all of that up into a nice One Word for 2014?  I don't.  Frankly, it's going to take every single word in the book this year.  

Authenticity is a word that I love and value greatly and maybe that is the word I am embracing today.  

Surrender is another word.....maybe for tomorrow.  

Strength is a good one that I need to strive for every day.

Sugar.....ok, maybe not that one.  

Excitement pops its head up here and there.  

Determination is lurking in there somewhere.  I think it's hiding under Surrender.  

Integrity, love, forgiveness, peace, perseverance.....I will take them all, thank you very much.

Jesus....a word, a name, power...all wrapped up in one.  I need that one every single second.

At this point, I'll even take Staunch. I can't afford to leave any of the good words out of my New Year.
Well, except for Paunch.  I am going to actively try to rid myself of that one once and for all.


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