It is with very mixed emotions that I share that June is going to be the end of our time living in Singapore. We have known since November and while I understand the career related reasons for this, my heart is struggling a bit with the reality that we will be saying good-bye to this small island that we have called home for almost four years. I can hardly write that without being reduced to a puddle of tears. We will be saying goodbye to people that we dearly love knowing the odds are against us being back anytime soon.
In the midst of grappling with all that moving means for us, we had to say good-bye to Scot's dad who died suddenly from a heart attack. I watched as my husband looked like a nine ton weight was dropped onto his shoulders as he raced home to be with his father. We were separated half a world away as death rocked his small family to the core and I felt completely helpless.
If I had to describe life right now, I would say that I feel a lot like Peter that day he found himself in a boat being tossed around by a storm. I recognize my Savior and the miraculous power he has to walk on water. I look for Him among the storm and my desire to be near Him gets me out of the boat. I can sense Him beckoning to me and cheering me on as I take those uncertain steps onto chaotic water. I look into eyes that are full of love and the noise in my head quiets as it bows to His authority.
I then start to notice the absolute insanity of emotion that is all around me and I lose focus. What is Scot's mom going to do? Where are we going to live? How do I say good-bye? How do I start all over again? I start to sink as I grab at things to keep me afloat but they all slip through my fingers.
Then the strong and mighty hands of my Savior lift me up again and He reminds me that I can do this. All the trials that have come before have been training for this day. He has proven His character to be true and trustworthy and my job is to keep my eyes on Him. My job is to journey through all of this with grace.
I write this knowing that in months....or maybe years from now......I will be able to look back on this and see God's plan clearly at work in our lives.
I write this because for some strange reason it makes me feel better and less inclined to use the four letter words that would get my boys in trouble.
I write this hoping that someday VERY soon I can write something that is actually light hearted and funny.