Green Doesn't Look That Great On Me

I'm not going to lie.  It's been a rough couple of days.  I do have some raging hormones right now, which certainly does not help the cause.

I went to Bible study this morning.  I've been doing the Esther study at a friend's church - supporting her in her first gig as a discussion group leader.  I'm supposed to be her assistant, but I've totally dropped the ball on that one.

As we were sitting in our small group, discussing last week's homework, I could just feel my smile getting sucked right out of me.  I felt disconnected from everyone and was certainly not jumping in with answers as quickly as my friend, Posey, would like for me to.  I'm her "if the crickets are chirping cuz noone is talking" go to girl.  Not usually at a loss for words in my corner of the world.  

She asked me to pray at the end and I told her no.  I said it more with my entire face as she started to realize that I was teetering on the edge of an emotional waterfall.  When I feel that emotional, I just can't pray out loud because then I lose it.  Which is fine, but I prefer to be in the privacy of my home, facedown on my bedroom floor when I pray/ugly cry in a way only my Father can understand.

We then went to watch the Bible study video and I cried most of the way through it.  One time Posey tried to console me and I told her not to be nice to me.........I was barely hanging on, people.  One sweet hug would have created a scene as well.  At the end of the study, Posey whips out a PJ Chang gift card and announces that she's taking me to lunch.

Hallelujah!!  Thank you God for giving me friends that know what I need!  I needed some Sesame Chicken and quick!!  

After we ordered, she looked me straight in the eye and said, "What is bothering you?".  I gave her some sort of pat answer.  She was not convinced so she asked me again, "What is bothering you?".

"I'm just honestly jealous that everyone else's life is going forward as normal and I am here, trying to be faithful through a crisis."

There was only a slight pause before she lovingly responded to me.

"I am going to thump your head."

What??  Where is the coddling?  Where is the sympathy?  I got a thumping all right.  She quickly reminded me of what I do have.  I have a loving husband, healthy kids that I enjoy being around, a career that can help support us, and an incredible group of friends.  No way was she going to let me sit there green with envy.  

"Try again, what is REALLY bothering you?"

"Honestly, I'm a little afraid of how far God will let this go."

Now I know what all of you are saying.........believe me, I know.  I know we will look back at this point in our lives and see God's hand all over it.  I have already seen God's provision.  I also know God well enough to know that He will refine me through this process.

I'm just praying that I will be a quick learner.