The "P" Word

I know the title of this post can make your imagination go wild since there are several not-so-nice words out there that are a "P" word.  The one I'm talking about?  

Perfect

I use this word almost as flippantly as I tend to use "love" and "hate".  All three are words pack an emotional punch, and yet I toss them around like a verbal frisbee.  The problem is that the word Perfect has haunted me most of my adult life and has me almost in tears as I type.

My idea of Perfect was Scot never losing his job.  He did, so my next idea of Perfect was him getting a job before school was out so he could work, and I could play with the kids.  My idea of Perfect was a new job before our meager severance package ran out so we would actually benefit from this entire situation.  

Last week I extended my time at the hospital through at least the month of June and let go of a volunteer job that I dearly love.  Last week I withdrew money from the "don't touch under any circumstances" account.  Today, Scot got word that the job we felt very confident about is deciding not to fill the position after all.  A decidedly Imperfect situation.

Our current struggle is not the only time in my life that my idea of perfection has run head-on into reality.  When I married Scot almost 14 years ago, I was a mess.  I was running from God, trying to find security in Scot alone.  I had the idea of what a Perfect marriage should look like and when ours did not live up to that image, I was a disaster waiting to happen.  Talk about giving satan a foothold.......all of a sudden my life was consumed with wanting a Perfect marriage, a Perfect home, having children at the Perfect time.  I was looking to everything around me to define what my Perfect life should look like.

That was the exact time I fell headlong into bulimia.  Just writing that sentence makes me cringe because it is flat out embarrassing.  I wasn't 13, 14, or 18......I was a married 24 year old with a seemingly Perfect life.  I had ample opportunity because Scot traveled a lot even back then.  It was like my drug......a huge rush in the midst of the act, with an incredible low to follow.  I am sad to say that this continued off and on until just last year.  For over 12 years I let my frustration with not being Perfect feed into a stronghold that held me in its clutches.  

Last Spring, I finally had enough.  I felt so strongly that there were things God wanted to do with my life and I was holding myself back.

My fight with the idea of Perfect kept me from being fully useful to the one that is Perfect.

There was a lot of prayer, ugly crying, studying God's Word and finally letting go that enables me today to say that I am no longer living in the pit called bulimia.  I have only recently been more open about this because I didn't want the label of being "the eating disorder" girl.  But you know what?  I did that to myself.  This story deserves telling because I am not the one that delivered myself.  God did.  God did!!!  He deserves every single ounce of the glory for that.

Yes, I am struggling today with a very Imperfect situation.  I am emotional, I am trying very hard to be strong, and trying to be authentic all at the same time.  But I am so incredibly thankful that I serve a Perfect God who doesn't work out of the same lexicon that I do.  My Imperfect life is Perfect to God only because I am leaning wholeheartedly on Him.  

That is what He most desires and I will continue to praise His name.