January 25, 2012

The "D" Word

I vividly remember the days when I would sit on the bottom step of our staircase and watch out the front windows of our house waiting for the boys to come home from school.  I remember the sound of little boy voices competing with each other in the telling of their day.  I remember fixing them a snack and sitting at our table with one on either side of me as I helped with daily homework.

I remember the look on their faces as they would fill me in on who said the "S" word on the bus and my utter horror at the thought of some snotty nosed kid stealing the innocence of my boys.

I then remember them whispering to me the dreaded "S" word.

Mom, he said STUPID.

One boy would sit in awe of the tenaciousness of his brother as he actually dared to use the bad word while I would release a huge sigh of relief knowing innocence remained intact for one more day.

Then came the day when the "S" word really meant the "S" word.  And all the other words that are described by the one poor letter of the alphabet that never did anything to anyone.   The day when I started getting a grunt in response to questions about their day.  The day when fixing a snack meant opening a bag of chips and eating the whole thing.  The day when I just wasn't smart enough to help with homework anymore.  

In my world there are words that are bad just because of everything they mean....or I just get grossed out by the sound of it.  One word I despise?  

Ugh....I'm getting sweaty palms just thinking about typing it.

Moist

That is just an awful word with ZERO positive connotations to it.  ZERO.  Yes, I have gotten used to being inundated with the word when people find out I don't like it but you will never, ever, ever, ever in a gazillion years EVER hear me use that word.  It will from here on out be known as the "M" word.

The other word?

Discipline

Don't go rolling your eyes.  I'm just telling it like it is.  

Lately, I have been In. A. Mood.

Can I get a witness, Scot?

Scot?

Oh, that's right.  He is running every errand known to man to try and stay out of my way.  A mood people, and it ain't been pretty so I'm feeling the need to unload.  Aren't you excited?

Being disciplined is something I have struggled with my entire life. 

I do happen to have a sister who got all the discipline genes I'm lacking plus a thousand more.  You just can't talk that girl out of being good.  She eats healthy every single day.....not just on Monday.  She exercises whether rain or shine and not a day goes by that she doesn't spend good, quality time with God. I am in complete awe of her.  

I can't even manage to be disciplined with things like allowance.  I think I owe Garrett about $924 at this point.

OH!!  I am proud to say that I am disciplined with which direction I like the toilet paper to roll.  Oh!  And I'm also disciplined in putting chapstick on before bed.  Does that count?  Is it more of an addiction?  For the sake of argument, we're going with discipline.

I struggle the most with food.  It's just the truth.  It's not my only struggle, but it's the biggest one.

I am the worst at having just one or two cookies and then finishing off the whole batch so it won't be there to tempt me tomorrow.  Or messing up at 8:42 in the morning and totally splurging the rest of the day because it was already a lost cause.  Or being determined to start eating right on Tuesday but waiting until that next Monday because who starts a diet in the middle of the week?

I'm not making light of this because many of you know my struggles in the past have been real.  And in all my attempts at keeping that part of my life  (a struggle with the "P" word)* a secret, God has asked me on more than one occasion to share because it was Him that saved me.

But Oreos are still being made and popcorn still begs for a handful of M and Ms and rainy days are still made for curling up under a fuzzy blanket doing nothing.  

And discipline still eludes me.  I waste an afternoon away on the computer reading about women who lead super amazing disciplined lives when closets need to be cleaned out, I choose a good TV show about disciplined people over exercise, and I won't even mention what dinner looks like half the time at our house. 

That's it.

I don't have any magic ending to this post where I tell you that I all of a sudden got a large dose of discipline and dropped 20 pounds in a week and every closet is now organized by color.  I'm just telling you that again today I asked for forgiveness for my lack of discipline and I am tired of apologizing for the same thing over and over.  

No big theological answer and I have no idea how you say "Discipline" in Greek or Hebrew, I just know I struggle with it.

Maybe I'm just sitting here hoping I'm not the only one.

Now I must go bake some brownies for a thing at church tomorrow and no, the irony of that is not lost on me.  

Nice, warm, somewhere between raw batter and dry, brownies.  

I told you I won't ever say that word!!

*At the rate I'm going, not one letter in the alphabet is going to be safe from me.  "E"......you're next on my list!

21 comments:

  1. You are most definitely NOT the only one. I am disciplined at so little in my life it's pathetic. (But I am disciplined about the way the toilet paper goes, too!)

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    1. No way would I say "so little" Jennifer. You accomplish a lot that requires tremendous discipline. Hello homeschooling???? I think you're amazing.

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  2. Have you heard of the book Made to Crave my Lysa Terkeurst? It will totally change the way you think about and approach food and health! I highly recommend it.

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    1. Funny enough, a friend and I have ordered this study to do together. I have heard it's really good and I can certainly use the help! Thanks for the input. I look forward to jumping in before too much more damage is done!

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  3. Love your blog and authenticity and you!

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  4. I have read Made to Crave and it is totally worth it. What I have found for myself is, first, my lack of discipline (trust me - I don't think I have ever had just one cookie) manages to find its way into other aspects of my life, second, my battle with food is symptomatic of a bigger, spiritual issue. All that said to say...You are not alone. In your struggle and in your attempt to make some changes. We are with you gal! All the way across the ocean:)

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    1. So how is it I just now figured out I can respond to comments????? Anyways, I am excited to start the study. I just want to nip it in the bud.....it's the biggest issue in my life right now. I guess all issues considered it could be worse but still. Thanks for your support!!

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  5. I'm struggling with discipline too, friend, and always have. But ever since we got back from Cambodia. Ugh. It's a struggle to do anything but eat, surf the internet, and read books. I love you, and I'm praying for you, and you are such a good writer.

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    1. Yippee!! I can respond to comments! Probably has been here the whole time and I've never noticed. I so understand what you are saying. I was there 10 days and it threw EVERYTHING out of whack for me. Still has except tomorrow I get to start talking about it to our women's ministry and that makes me happy! Love you. Any hints yet??

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    2. Ooooh!! Let me know how it goes (with the women's ministry)! Messaging you some hints (a.k.a., everything we know at the moment) now.

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  6. Oh thank you Keri, I so needed to hear that someone I admire has the same struggles with discipline as I do. Funny how in some areas of our life discipline comes easy, like the direction the toilet paper rolls (from the top outward in our house) and in others it is so hard. I'm going to check that book out mentioned above. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. Oh Keri, thank you for that post. It is so nice to hear that someone I admire shares the same struggles with discipline as I do. Crazy how some things are so easy to be disciplined at, like which direction the toilet paper rolls ( in our house it is from the top & outward) and how other things are such a struggle. I have to check out the book mentioned above.

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    1. I think waaayyyyy more people struggle with it than we think!! One of our Bible studies on Thursday morning is Made to Crave and the ladies in there say it is rocking their world. It kinda makes me afraid. Thanks for your sweet words!

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  8. Keri, my kids know that the world I hate the most in the world is the "M" word you are talking about! They absolutely love to torment me by trying to slip it into sentences wherever possible...such as "the weather today is rainy and m----." I laughed out loud when I saw it grosses you out too!

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    1. I LOVE that I have a fellow "M" word hater. It's just yucky all the way around! Any chance I'll get to see you this summer?

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  9. As I sit here surfing the internet, reading your blog and ignoring the things I SHOULD be doing for the ladies gathering at my house tonight, I think you are definitely NOT alone. The D word has been a nasty word in my book since I took vocabulary in 2nd grade,..... as is the E word!!!!!
    Has the correct application of D word been adulterated!!!! For my own sanity, I had to eradicate it from my vocabulary and replace it with 'FREEDOM", because that's our gift, and I WILL celebrate it, by George! REAL discipline has nothing to do with color-coded closets or cookie counting,.... I think.? :-)
    Not Anonymously, Patty Rand

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  10. As I sit here surfing the internet, reading your blog and ignoring the things I SHOULD be doing for the ladies gathering at my house tonight, I think you are definitely NOT alone. The D word has been a nasty word in my book since I took vocabulary in 2nd grade,..... as is the E word!!!!!
    Has the correct application of D word been adulterated!!!! For my own sanity, I had to eradicate it from my vocabulary and replace it with 'FREEDOM", because that's our gift, and I WILL celebrate it, by George! REAL discipline has nothing to do with color-coded closets or cookie counting,.... I think.? :-)
    Not Anonymously, Patty Rand

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    1. Patty!! I did get your comment and just today figured out that I could respond to it right here! The comments don't pop up right away because I have to approve them....which is kinda silly seeing as how I don't create a lot of controversy or anything. I love that you "eradicated" the "D" word from your vocabulary. You go girl!!

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  11. Keri, Mandisa has a new'ish CD out that has spoken volumes to me about letting go and not allowing past struggles to continually pull us down. I struggle with food issues for sure...Stress is my excuse. I would love to send you the CD if you can't get your hands on it in Singapore. (Lived in Asia for many years, so I understand markets there!)
    Jennie (found your blog through Christie)

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    1. Wow Jennie!!! Such a sweet offer!! Do you think I can get the album on iTunes? If you haven't read Made to Crave, I highly recommend it......it's spot on about all the stuff we deal with. So where in Asia did you live? I love it here but certainly miss Texas!

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  12. Keri-yep, it is on iTunes. "What if We Were Real" is the title. (Somehow I always forget about iTunes, even though I have an iPhone...) I do have the book, but haven't opened it yet. Maybe, I am just a little scared about the insights it might give. :) I lived in China in the mid-80s, then to Taiwan for 2 years. Chris and I were in the same class. Thanks again for your honesty in this post!

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