The "D" Word

I vividly remember the days when I would sit on the bottom step of our staircase and watch out the front windows of our house waiting for the boys to come home from school.  I remember the sound of little boy voices competing with each other in the telling of their day.  I remember fixing them a snack and sitting at our table with one on either side of me as I helped with daily homework.

I remember the look on their faces as they would fill me in on who said the "S" word on the bus and my utter horror at the thought of some snotty nosed kid stealing the innocence of my boys.

I then remember them whispering to me the dreaded "S" word.

Mom, he said STUPID.

One boy would sit in awe of the tenaciousness of his brother as he actually dared to use the bad word while I would release a huge sigh of relief knowing innocence remained intact for one more day.

Then came the day when the "S" word really meant the "S" word.  And all the other words that are described by the one poor letter of the alphabet that never did anything to anyone.   The day when I started getting a grunt in response to questions about their day.  The day when fixing a snack meant opening a bag of chips and eating the whole thing.  The day when I just wasn't smart enough to help with homework anymore.  

In my world there are words that are bad just because of everything they mean....or I just get grossed out by the sound of it.  One word I despise?  

Ugh....I'm getting sweaty palms just thinking about typing it.

Moist

That is just an awful word with ZERO positive connotations to it.  ZERO.  Yes, I have gotten used to being inundated with the word when people find out I don't like it but you will never, ever, ever, ever in a gazillion years EVER hear me use that word.  It will from here on out be known as the "M" word.

The other word?

Discipline

Don't go rolling your eyes.  I'm just telling it like it is.  

Lately, I have been In. A. Mood.

Can I get a witness, Scot?

Scot?

Oh, that's right.  He is running every errand known to man to try and stay out of my way.  A mood people, and it ain't been pretty so I'm feeling the need to unload.  Aren't you excited?

Being disciplined is something I have struggled with my entire life. 

I do happen to have a sister who got all the discipline genes I'm lacking plus a thousand more.  You just can't talk that girl out of being good.  She eats healthy every single day.....not just on Monday.  She exercises whether rain or shine and not a day goes by that she doesn't spend good, quality time with God. I am in complete awe of her.  

I can't even manage to be disciplined with things like allowance.  I think I owe Garrett about $924 at this point.

OH!!  I am proud to say that I am disciplined with which direction I like the toilet paper to roll.  Oh!  And I'm also disciplined in putting chapstick on before bed.  Does that count?  Is it more of an addiction?  For the sake of argument, we're going with discipline.

I struggle the most with food.  It's just the truth.  It's not my only struggle, but it's the biggest one.

I am the worst at having just one or two cookies and then finishing off the whole batch so it won't be there to tempt me tomorrow.  Or messing up at 8:42 in the morning and totally splurging the rest of the day because it was already a lost cause.  Or being determined to start eating right on Tuesday but waiting until that next Monday because who starts a diet in the middle of the week?

I'm not making light of this because many of you know my struggles in the past have been real.  And in all my attempts at keeping that part of my life  (a struggle with the "P" word)* a secret, God has asked me on more than one occasion to share because it was Him that saved me.

But Oreos are still being made and popcorn still begs for a handful of M and Ms and rainy days are still made for curling up under a fuzzy blanket doing nothing.  

And discipline still eludes me.  I waste an afternoon away on the computer reading about women who lead super amazing disciplined lives when closets need to be cleaned out, I choose a good TV show about disciplined people over exercise, and I won't even mention what dinner looks like half the time at our house. 

That's it.

I don't have any magic ending to this post where I tell you that I all of a sudden got a large dose of discipline and dropped 20 pounds in a week and every closet is now organized by color.  I'm just telling you that again today I asked for forgiveness for my lack of discipline and I am tired of apologizing for the same thing over and over.  

No big theological answer and I have no idea how you say "Discipline" in Greek or Hebrew, I just know I struggle with it.

Maybe I'm just sitting here hoping I'm not the only one.

Now I must go bake some brownies for a thing at church tomorrow and no, the irony of that is not lost on me.  

Nice, warm, somewhere between raw batter and dry, brownies.  

I told you I won't ever say that word!!

*At the rate I'm going, not one letter in the alphabet is going to be safe from me.  "E"......you're next on my list!