July 26, 2010

The Fall

We have all heard the verse:

Pride goes before the fall

We have all seen that kind of fall. It's ugly and usually takes out a lot of people on the way down.

Or so I thought.

I often pray against pride. I'm not talking the kind of pride that makes you work hard, that inspires your integrity so you can be proud of the work you've done. I'm talking the kind of pride that begins a litany of accolades running through your mind. The kind that addicts you to affirmation and praise. The kind that fuels your self-worth. The kind that takes a God given opportunity and slowly replaces God with self.

I have seen the devastation caused by pride on a small scale and on a global scale. I would really like to avoid that kind of devastation so I pray consistently for humility and quick conviction during moments of pridefulness.

In a move of sheer brilliance on behalf of pride itself, I began to think I was pretty darn good at being humble. I would even place humility at the top of the list of my strong points. I would dare go as far as to say I was self-sacrificing.

And then yesterday I fell.

We had returned to the church we've been visiting with an almost certainty that it would become our new church home. I've been very interested to see how their women's ministry worked because that's where my heart is. The honor and privilege I have had to work on a ministry team in Houston can only be defined as an opportunity God gave me that I wisely said yes to. At least, that's the churchy answer. In reality, I took a lot more ownership of the success of that ministry than I should have or would have ever admitted to.

The result is that now I sit in a new church and fight feelings of insecurity because noone knows who I am. I wonder how long it will take until they will just let me be in charge of something to give me a chance to shine. I want to name drop and rattle off my church accomplishments stopping just shy of handing out a resume. I am consumed with all sorts of vain imaginations on how God is going to use me here in Singapore.

I fell off my high horse right smack onto the soil of reality. I won't be in charge of anything unless it is in God's will for me to be. I may not ever know a lot of people at that church. Name dropping is tacky. How much of me is totally committed to God's calling on my life no matter how big or small that may be? If noone knows me or pats me on the back for a job well done, but God is well pleased with my life, will I consider that a success?

The fall from a lofty position of self-worth to the reality that I am only as good as the totality in which I give myself over to God's will, can cause some bumps and bruises on the way down. I have a few bruises right now and will probably have more before I'm done falling. They hurt. They're ugly. They are a reminder that it's impossible to fall when you're already on your knees.

I am just thankful that my Savior provides me a soft spot to land.


  1. I get this, girl. Thank you for sharing!! Funny that I should read this right after trying to get my tagline off my blog. ;)

  2. Well written, Keri. I, too, "get this"...been there. I DO think you are incredibly humble. God is giving you the rest you need knowing what a tireless servant you are. He is preparing you for what he is preparing for you! Love you...

  3. Amazing post Keri. You are truly a woman of God, not just because you say you are, but by your actions. While you feel ready to jump in and do your thing I am glad that you are waiting for God's plan. Enjoy what he is giving you now. Sending you comfort hugs.

  4. Wow! This cut! So relate! We need to talk on the phone, if it's possible from there :-) Send me a FB or email. Not just by chance I read this ;-) Big hugs! Sabrina

  5. Oh I can relate. Having to consciously say to myself....where can I serve? Not lead or direct or be in charge, but serve? It is a choice I have to make every time. I will be praying for you!

  6. I have been waiting all morning to post this....I've typed it twice, and it has come out different each time. This is the third attempt, just so you know, and literally GOD WILLING, it will make it to posting...

    Please, Keri, in your humility, as you observe the impact that your work for Him has on those you serve, do not mistake the by-products of the love and adoration that you yourself receive from those people as fruit not to be enjoyed. We do not work for the praises of men or women but for the glory and honor of God through His Son Jesus. I know you know that, but recognizing and receiving love is not wrong. God Himself, in whose image we are formed, desires our love and appreciation. I know who you work for, sweet lady, and it is Him. His pleasure is often communicated to us through other believers. Just know that it's ok to love being loved, and always, always remember that you experience God purely when you receive the blessing of being treasured and beloved by those who have benefited from your willingness to be used by and reflect, as you so simply and beautifully do, Him.

  7. that happened to me when we left our last church too. i can totally relate. God is having me sit on the sidelines this time and just watch.

  8. Love your refreshing honesty!

    Oooh your blog is so pretty! Kelly did such a great job :)

  9. And with God's grace, this is a life-long process. I used to be angry with myself for not being perfect, even being brash enough to tell God HE didn't understand what it was like to NOT be perfect. And His grace continues to be extended. And His Holy Spirit is faithful to bring conviction to those areas of pride. About the time I think that FINALLY I have come to rely on the Holy Spirit and understand that I can do nothing apart from Christ, there is a blessed opportunity to look into the mirror of my heart. I see you have the same mirror...and you are looking. That is the place to be. I love you and continue to pray that God will put you in His place at His timing.

  10. haha, thanks for your comment on my menu! We'll see how long I keep making them :p

  11. You do realize that your blog is a "Womens ministry" too?!?! Wow! I'm always affected by your writing and thoughtfulness- and you need to realize that God is using you regardless of "church" activity. May not be what you're used to- as far as "ministry" goes, but girl you're smack in the middle of being His servant right now! Love and miss you. Kay



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